Friday, October 1, 2010

From One Mama to Another Mama...

To discipline is to guide, nurture, & prepare our children ....

2 yr olds say "NO!"...
a lot.

Toddlers test boundaries.
Your 'yes' needs to be a yes;

Your 'no' needs to be a no;
and allow room for 'maybe' & 'sure, why not'.

Your NO is for... a real no.
If mom says "no", THAT is just what she has to mean.

DISCIPLINE:

Time out/The Naughty Spot (call it what you like)
I have a carpet square; it travels well. =)

Yes, have your child sit as many minutes as their age.
Yes, at first especially, you will have to return them to their spot~a zillion times.
Supernanny (I think) says "That's unacceptable behavior"
I say "It is not ok to disobey mommy" and lead them to their 'spot'
or
"If you can't obey, go sit down".

Stay calm and matter of fact.
You will not feel calm;
especially if said child ends up pulling an all out tantrum.

Act calm; THAT shows you in control.

3 & 4 yr olds~ this is the age of the screamer.
Preschoolers are trying out their boundaries.
Some whine, some whimper, many scream, some will rage.
(I have had them all)
This stems from frustration, but can become manipulative if allowed to become a routine behavior.

My standard approach toward this child is:

"Use your words"
"How can I help you"
"Do you need me to hold you for a minute?"

The idea is to teach communication. If said child decides not to reply, and begins (or continues) to cry/scream/yell/hollar/sass/or backtalk...

DISCIPLINE

~Time out/Naughty spot~
"It is not ok to ____, go sit down"

note: My daughter was a screamer. She thought it would be clever to pull a tantrum in the van, followed by vomiting. (grrr) I then began to pull over, find a safe place, and make her sit on a curb til she chose not to scream. "I cannot drive if you are screaming". Luckily for me, it was pouring down rain the 1st time I tried this... she only received warnings after that. =)

5 & up...the age of accountability.

The Thoughtful Spot~
a nook, a corner, a quiet spot.

I utilize the "thoughtful spot" for meltdowns, poutiness, not being co-operative, basically for any behavior correction needed.

This is a place to take quiet time by oneself.
Reading the Bible, praying, and writing apology letters are only some of the activities that can take place here.

Yes, they stay there as many minutes as their age. =)
Admittedly, I have not had anyone over the age of 13 need to be in this spot.

If you get tag-teamed... oh yes, multiple meltdowns do happen...
gulp down a huge dose of patience;
you can multi-discipline if they know the rules,
but if this is a newer routine where rules are thought to be broken...
Attention and correction goes to the youngest child first, with a very clear follow through for the next oldest misbehaved child.

Out in public:
One has to behave in public to be able go in public. I do pull the curbside timeout if needed. I also 'ground' them from public appearance for as many days as their age. Lol, honestly, I have never had to approach this technique much past the age of 4. The first time the child is left behind (obviously with supervision) while the rest of the kids get to "go" is usually enough to heed a warning the next time.

***With ALL discipline, I recommend praying with/alongside the child after their correction, followed by a hug. Obviously, at the younger years, you are praying the example...as they get older, they begin to pray too.

GUIDE LINES:

Lay down your House Rules.

Reminders are ok.

Remind, warn, discipline...always!
~in other words, don't threaten correction and not follow through~

Always appear calm;
It is how your child will learn self control.

Always speak clearly,
(avoid sighs, grunts, & screaming);
It is how your child will learn to communicate.

Always be in control of your actions;
It is how your child will learn to trust.

~i say 'always', but that is meant as a self-determination approach;
we all slip in our coping behaviors, but really, isn't that just an adult version of a temper tantrum? We scream, we cry, we whine, we fuss, we get overwhelmed...and how does God correct us but with guidance and unconditional love...THAT is where 'always' comes in; to strive to show Christ's love through the struggles.~


My life:

My rambunctious 2 yr old many times will walk himself to 'time-out',
I have been so consistant w/ him, that he knows when he needs to be corrected.
This is also the child that many times just simply needs a snuggle to regroup, thus he responds to my "do you need me to hold you for a minute?" rather than being sent to time-out.
(please note that I had to learn the hard, unmanaged way with my kids, to actually get to this point)

My 5 yr old is a bit tricky. He has Asperger's characteristics, so his processing skills are a bit askewed...yet...consistancy of correction leaves him without having to guess.

My 8 yr old dear daughter (whom reads my blog)-{insert waving hand here} can be dramatic.
She is turning into a lovely young lady, but still needs nurturing and guidance.

My 13 yr old can be quick to anger, but the root of it is caused by sensitivity. Being able to process those feelings will help him face adulthood. Prayer with this son is very effective. This young man has a great heart for righteous things.

My 17 yr old~ uh...yeah... besides an occasional give him 'the' look (for teasing a sibling, and such)... I simply don't have to discipline at this age. This is the age of mentoring. We all make mistakes, we all should seek Godly counsel.... and my husband and I make ourselves available to our adult children for such things.

Our 21 yr old adult son~ he's a pretty great guy, if I don't mind sayin' so! =)
He survived through all our parenting trial-n-errors...

Love endures, and God's grace sustains...
and at the worst of chaotic moments, always remember...
This too shall pass...

5 comments:

Suzanne said...

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! Good stuff! Stuff I do and stuff I need reminding to do. So, so, so very good. I'll be spreading your word all over the place! Thanks so much!

Living Creatively said...

Wonderful, yes, I agree!
Thank you for this. My husband and I were just discussing discipline this evening.

Suzanne, thank you for passing this along!

Hollinger Family said...

Thanks you two! =)
I think at times we are still growing up while we are raising our children... and aren't they so very precious?

Blessings, Sheri

No Ordinary Me said...

Very good post. Thanks for sharing this.

Kathi @ A Mother's Prayers said...

(second attempt at a comment)

Thank you. Discipline is hard work. I must be lazy.

I do sense things getting better. I'm screaming less. My load is not so heavy.

Glad you are home. Glad you had a good time.

~Kathi